Online Dating Awareness and Dangers, One Woman's Story

Online Dating Awareness and Dangers, One Woman's Story

LAS VEGAS CHANNEL 3 -- May 18 --

"The first mistake I made was I said you can come to my house and pick me up." The couple headed back to her house, where Sonja had big plans to give him a parting kiss in anticipation of their next date. Instead, he asked to come inside to use her restroom. She, in turn, went to the master bath to fix her lipstick. When she came out, he was sitting on her bed. Now she hopes other women will hear her story and think twice about their own safety, especially when dating online. "Will you online date again?"

"No, no I will not. I realized that when I tried the online dating thing - that if you're willing to pay 19.99 a month, you'll meet 19.99 guys." There are some companies out there now that, for a fee, will do a background check on a potential date for you. Safety Tips For Dating Online,

1. Start Slow,

2. Guard Your Anonymity,

3. Exercise Caution And Common Sense,

4. Do A Little Digging,

5. Request A Photo,

6. Chat On The Phone,

7. Meet When YOU Are Ready,

8. Watch For Red Flags,

9. Meet In A Safe Place,

10. Take Extra Caution Outside Your Area,

11. Get Yourself Out Of A Jam : Hmm, I wonder which companies provide background checks? Anyone know of any? Bad example, good advice. Silly girl. $19.95 is kinda cheap these days. eHarmony is raising the bar in that respect. I'd rather meet people who were more serious and committed (to the tune of $50 a month). Wouldn't you?

Low self-esteem. At the same time this person may appear cocky and boastful on occasion.
Trouble trusting others, particularly you. In spite of this, they may say that they know you would never be unfaithful.

Jealous and possessive. Initially, the abuser may say others were coming on to you. Eventually, thought, you will be accused of being attracted to other people, flirting, or being unfaithful.
Controlling. Sometimes this can be subtle. You may be changing your behavior without realizing why. For example, you may "decide" not to see your friends too often because you don't want your partner to get mad.

Usually comes from a family where there was violence, although they may deny this.
Passionate! This abusive relationship is intense and passionate. There is usually a Romeo and Juliet quality, which may be noticed by your friends. This intensity does NOT mean you are fated lovers. It means someone is holding to too tightly.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. The abuser can be loving and supportive one minute and cold and hostile, accusing or distant, the next.

Mood swings or explosive temper. You think everything is going fine, and suddenly your partner is furious.

Macho or super masculine. This is sometimes present in male abusers. This boyfriend will have strong opinions about how a man and woman should behave.

Rigid. You may find yourself saying, "Well yes, this happened, but there are reasons why it happened." The abusive partner will not accept reasons or explanations. Everything is black or white.

Isolating. These partners may want to isolate you from your friends or family. They may always want to be alone with you. Often they will start trouble between you and your best friend. They will be threatened by any relationships you have with members of the opposite sex and may attempt to destroy those friendships by criticizing your friends or pointing out ways in which they, your friends, have wronged you.

Emotionally and verbally abusive. Sometimes there is no physical abuse until a commitment is made, i.e., you go steady, have sex, get pregnant, or cut off your friends and family. It could also be as simple as your agreement not to date others. You don't have to have bruises to be in an abusive relationship.

Denial. This partner will attempt to minimize the violence or behavior by saying: "I barely touched you." "I was just messing around." "You can't take a joke."

Blamer. Abusive partners will blame others for their mistakes or problems. Again, it may be subtle. They will blame others for fights if they can saying any of the following: "You make me crazy." "You know what makes me mad and you do it anyway so it's your fault." "If you weren't so beautiful, I wouldn't be so worried about losing you." "Your friends are trying to break us up." "That person was coming on to you."

When you have a fight, they may try to blame outside stressors saying the following: "My parents are making me crazy!" "My teachers are making me crazy!" "I feel like I'm under so much pressure." "You don't understand me. Nobody does." These are pressures and feelings with which we all must cope. They are not an excuse to be violent or abusive.

Alcohol or drug user. This partner may abuse alcohol or drugs. If so, he or she has a built-in excuse. Remember that many people abuse alcohol and drugs and never become violent or abusive. If you are dating a substance abuser who is violent that person has two problems that need to be addressed, the substance abuse and the abuse.

Look for statements like the following: "I was totally wasted." "I don't even remember this. Did I really do that?" "I'll quit drinking." "I'll quit drinking tequila, shots, whiskey, beer, whatever." "I'll never do drugs again." "I'm such a jerk! Why do you stay with me?" They may also say things like: "Hey, you pushed me first."

"What do you expect when you talk back to me?"

"You were just as violent as me."

"You started it, flirting with that other person."


This can get confusing for you. Don't let it. When you are in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship you may begin to act in ways you normally would not. That doesn't make it your fault. You have the right to talk to other people.

You have the right to be angry in an argument and state your side without someone accusing you of "talking back."