Hewitt has double the fun LONDON: Lleyton Hewitt showed his lighter side as he secured his first victory of the grass-court season in a relatively rare doubles pairing at the Artois Championships.
The former Wimbledon champion swapped some of his trademark intensity for smiles and laughter as he teamed with close friend Tim Henman on Tuesday.
The pair obviously enjoyed the hit-out on the lush grass of The Queen's Club as they fought back from a set down to beat Australia's Jordan Kerr and Alexander Peya of Austria 5-7, 6-4, 10-8 in the first round.
It was the third appearance for team Hewitt-Henman after they played together twice in 2002 - in Miami and at the Masters Series in Hamburg.
Chatting occasionally and slapping hands after many points, the pair hauled back a 3-0 deficit in the second set to level the match. It was neck-and-neck in the match tie-breaker but, with Henman serving for the match, the Englishman executed a superb backhand volley to seal victory.
For Hewitt, the win was a welcome hit-out before he began his grasscourt singles campaign aimed at a record fifth title at Queen's and ultimately a second Wimbledon crown.
For Henman, it did little to erase the disappointment of a 7-6 (7-5), 2-6, 6-4 first-round exit to 18-year-old Croatian wildcard Marin Cilic a short time earlier.
In Birmingham, newly crowned French Open doubles champion Alicia Molik continued her winning ways with victory in her first-round match at the DFS Classic.
The Australian fought back from a set down to beat 10th seed Severine Bremond of France 4-6, 6-3, 6-4. However fellow Australian Casey Dellacqua lost her second-round match to Greek 15th seed Eleni Daniilidou 6-4, 6-4.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
A little rusty on the romance front? There's professional help
Alan Burt winces, slouching in his chair, tapping at the table at McCormick & Schmick's Seafood Restaurant in downtown Seattle, his hand wrapped around his Tanqueray and tonic, his eyes focused on a woman in a hot-pink top.
It's time for action. Sarah Taylor, his wing woman/dating coach, barks the orders.
"I want you to go all the way around, make a big loop ... . Make eye contact with her and flirt," she tells Burt. "Tell me something about her when you come back."
He circles to the young woman's table, but unnerved, walks past her and returns to his seat.
Taylor folds her arms in disappointment.
He says: "She's watching TV."
She says: "So? Ask her what she's watching."
He says: "Look! Now her friend is sitting down."
She says: "So?"
And like a child who has run out of excuses, Burt, 31, of Ballard, gets up and faces the inevitable, gulping his cocktail before taking what seems like the longest six steps known to mankind.
(The waitress behind him makes it to the other end of the room before he gets halfway across.)
He faces the woman, who appears to be in her late 20s, and tells her he would like to grab coffee sometime, offering his business card. She politely takes it and says "Thank you." Her friend covers her mouth and giggles.
And off Burt goes to another bar with his dating coach.
This town needs help
In March, Burt hired The Professional Dater, a Pioneer Square group of "image consultants" who are in the business of helping people find love or just a date.
The coaches will help you write your online dating profile, teach you how to flirt, even help you with your, ahem, game.
And if you're a guy, which 60 percent of their clients are, they can give you a girl's-eye take on your bachelor pad and wardrobe, help you shop for shoes and trendy shirts, clean you up and even be your "wing woman" on your nights out, working the sidelines, scouting which girls don't have wedding rings or chatting up prospects for you.
The idea came from Alma Rubenstein, 38, of Seattle, a former actress who has been a contestant on "The Bachelor," "Blind Date" and other reality dating shows.
As Rubenstein sees it, in the Seattle dating scene, guys are too timid and girls don't smile, make eye contact or put out social clues. Thus, a lot of singles miss opportunities to date, and that's how Rubenstein got the idea for a new career, thank you very much.
"The [singles] in Seattle, they dress up to go out, but they don't do anything," said Rubenstein, who started her business three years ago. "Everyone is afraid of rejection here. But you have to take action. Just flirt or just talk to people. That's what we try to promote."
The client list varies: the divorcées and widowers out of practice. The shy guys needing a social clutch. The romantics looking for Mr. Right. The bachelors looking to hook up.
All pay up to $2,000 for a Queer-Eye-for-the-Straight-Guy-type makeover, even though the coaches don't promise matrimonial bliss. (Though they did get two 50-year-old singles engaged recently.)
The three "dating doctors" don't possess any special academic qualification or training. Instead, their main qualifications seem to be that they are tuned into the singles scene, to what bars are hot and which shoes are "in."
"A therapist doesn't set you up on dates or tell you you need to wear cologne," said Rubenstein. "We are not afraid to say you need to cut your nose hair."
Nor are the coaches bashful about showing clients how to "work the scene," taking them out to the bar, coffee shop, bookstore or Green Lake to practice flirting or to pick up someone.
The education of Alan
One recent client was Alan Burt, an acoustical consultant, who was focused on climbing the career ladder this past year and is now ready to date again. Worried he was rusty, the Spokane native paid $2,000 for a dating coach.
One Tuesday evening, Taylor walked in, dropping her pink umbrella on Burt's front porch and then surveying the two-bedroom townhouse he shares with a friend.
She is a 34-year-old gregarious blonde from Phinney Ridge who had worked in sales and marketing for Brooks Brothers and Ralph Lauren on the East Coast. She made Burt her project, sprucing up his home and his look in five weeks.
Take down some Rat Pack, John Wayne and Johnny Cash pictures, she advised, and hang some vacation snapshots to make the rooms more inviting for women.
"And get a dining table."
About his fridge: "OK, smell that? [Use] baking soda, guys."
On whether he properly washes his collection of black clothes: "You got dark detergent?"
Burt: "I got Costco-size Tide."
On his disco-style shirts: "... Uh, Neil Diamond."
On a few of his casual shirts: "You got a little K Fed going on here."
They make an appointment to shop together at Nordstrom Rack.
On a Saturday, Taylor flipped through the "new arrival" racks, throwing a rainbow of pink, lime, blue and purple shirts Burt's way as he tried them on in front of a three-way mirror.
Within three hours the pair had racked up $1,500 in new clothes.
"Man, she works fast," Burt said.
By evening, he had a new wardrobe: four pairs of shoes, five sport jackets and 34 sweaters and shirts mostly in bright colors and bold stripes.
Taylor and Burt agreed to meet for happy hour in the coming week to watch him flirt and give him feedback.
You can dress him up, but...
One recent Friday, at McCormick, the new Burt sports a pink checkered shirt over a black T-shirt, dark-blue pinstripe pants and a pair of soft suede Bacco Bucci slip-ons. (Taylor's idea.)
He feels great — until the woman in the hot-pink top he tried to hit on didn't seem that interested.
Try to relax, Taylor says, as they cross First Avenue to the swanky Boka Kitchen + Bar.
Walk around like you own the place, she tells him. She demonstrates by sauntering across the room, making eye contact with bar hoppers, and chatting with the host while touching his right arm.
Burt does "the walk," only he looks more like a guy desperately rushing to the men's room.
He tries again at an Irish pub, scanning one side of the room to the other, as if looking for his friends. "Now he just looks lost," Taylor mutters.
Slow down, make eye contact with people, she tells him.
Taylor eyes a group of young blondes at a corner table at the pub. She leads Burt to a table next to theirs. But he thinks the girls are too young.
Easy, Alan, be cool
On to the bar at the Alexis Hotel, where Burt eyes a toned and tan blonde. Taylor circles her table and returns with a report: The blonde doesn't have a wedding ring, but she does have six friends with her.
Burt strolls up, clumsily introduces himself, hands her his business card and says he wants to have coffee with her sometime. The startled blonde doesn't give him an answer. Their exchange is brief. As he walks away, the friends giggle.
"That felt like trial by jury, like you are going through a gauntlet," he says.
Taylor reminds him to relax, to feel confident, to let the girls see his funny side. And keep the conversation going.
They return to Boka. An exhausted Burt is ready to plop down at a dining table, but his dating coach spots two blondes at the bar.
Burt takes a seat at the bar, with Taylor sitting one seat over to signal she's not his girlfriend. She leans over. "Excuse me, what are you drinking?"
The blonde says it's a modified peach and vodka. The girls chat about cute-looking drinks, then Burt jumps into the conversation. Taylor backs off, leaving Burt and the two women to talk about art galleries, happy hour and life on the Eastside.
Burt appears relaxed for the first time.
Later that night, at another bar, over steak-and-bacon kabob and a potato pancake, washed down with a Tanqueray and tonic, Burt has an epiphany.
That opener, about what the girls were drinking, "That was genius," he says. "They were talking about the drinks instead of talking about them, so it was less threatening."
He makes a mental note ... for next time.
Epilogue: A week later, the blonde at the Alexis Hotel e-mailed him and the two had coffee, but there were no sparks, Burt said. In recent weeks, he has met two other women but had little in common with both and didn't date them again. Burt said he feels more relaxed and confident since that first outing. And yes, at bars, he uses the opening line, "What are you drinking?"
It's time for action. Sarah Taylor, his wing woman/dating coach, barks the orders.
"I want you to go all the way around, make a big loop ... . Make eye contact with her and flirt," she tells Burt. "Tell me something about her when you come back."
He circles to the young woman's table, but unnerved, walks past her and returns to his seat.
Taylor folds her arms in disappointment.
He says: "She's watching TV."
She says: "So? Ask her what she's watching."
He says: "Look! Now her friend is sitting down."
She says: "So?"
And like a child who has run out of excuses, Burt, 31, of Ballard, gets up and faces the inevitable, gulping his cocktail before taking what seems like the longest six steps known to mankind.
(The waitress behind him makes it to the other end of the room before he gets halfway across.)
He faces the woman, who appears to be in her late 20s, and tells her he would like to grab coffee sometime, offering his business card. She politely takes it and says "Thank you." Her friend covers her mouth and giggles.
And off Burt goes to another bar with his dating coach.
This town needs help
In March, Burt hired The Professional Dater, a Pioneer Square group of "image consultants" who are in the business of helping people find love or just a date.
The coaches will help you write your online dating profile, teach you how to flirt, even help you with your, ahem, game.
And if you're a guy, which 60 percent of their clients are, they can give you a girl's-eye take on your bachelor pad and wardrobe, help you shop for shoes and trendy shirts, clean you up and even be your "wing woman" on your nights out, working the sidelines, scouting which girls don't have wedding rings or chatting up prospects for you.
The idea came from Alma Rubenstein, 38, of Seattle, a former actress who has been a contestant on "The Bachelor," "Blind Date" and other reality dating shows.
As Rubenstein sees it, in the Seattle dating scene, guys are too timid and girls don't smile, make eye contact or put out social clues. Thus, a lot of singles miss opportunities to date, and that's how Rubenstein got the idea for a new career, thank you very much.
"The [singles] in Seattle, they dress up to go out, but they don't do anything," said Rubenstein, who started her business three years ago. "Everyone is afraid of rejection here. But you have to take action. Just flirt or just talk to people. That's what we try to promote."
The client list varies: the divorcées and widowers out of practice. The shy guys needing a social clutch. The romantics looking for Mr. Right. The bachelors looking to hook up.
All pay up to $2,000 for a Queer-Eye-for-the-Straight-Guy-type makeover, even though the coaches don't promise matrimonial bliss. (Though they did get two 50-year-old singles engaged recently.)
The three "dating doctors" don't possess any special academic qualification or training. Instead, their main qualifications seem to be that they are tuned into the singles scene, to what bars are hot and which shoes are "in."
"A therapist doesn't set you up on dates or tell you you need to wear cologne," said Rubenstein. "We are not afraid to say you need to cut your nose hair."
Nor are the coaches bashful about showing clients how to "work the scene," taking them out to the bar, coffee shop, bookstore or Green Lake to practice flirting or to pick up someone.
The education of Alan
One recent client was Alan Burt, an acoustical consultant, who was focused on climbing the career ladder this past year and is now ready to date again. Worried he was rusty, the Spokane native paid $2,000 for a dating coach.
One Tuesday evening, Taylor walked in, dropping her pink umbrella on Burt's front porch and then surveying the two-bedroom townhouse he shares with a friend.
She is a 34-year-old gregarious blonde from Phinney Ridge who had worked in sales and marketing for Brooks Brothers and Ralph Lauren on the East Coast. She made Burt her project, sprucing up his home and his look in five weeks.
Take down some Rat Pack, John Wayne and Johnny Cash pictures, she advised, and hang some vacation snapshots to make the rooms more inviting for women.
"And get a dining table."
About his fridge: "OK, smell that? [Use] baking soda, guys."
On whether he properly washes his collection of black clothes: "You got dark detergent?"
Burt: "I got Costco-size Tide."
On his disco-style shirts: "... Uh, Neil Diamond."
On a few of his casual shirts: "You got a little K Fed going on here."
They make an appointment to shop together at Nordstrom Rack.
On a Saturday, Taylor flipped through the "new arrival" racks, throwing a rainbow of pink, lime, blue and purple shirts Burt's way as he tried them on in front of a three-way mirror.
Within three hours the pair had racked up $1,500 in new clothes.
"Man, she works fast," Burt said.
By evening, he had a new wardrobe: four pairs of shoes, five sport jackets and 34 sweaters and shirts mostly in bright colors and bold stripes.
Taylor and Burt agreed to meet for happy hour in the coming week to watch him flirt and give him feedback.
You can dress him up, but...
One recent Friday, at McCormick, the new Burt sports a pink checkered shirt over a black T-shirt, dark-blue pinstripe pants and a pair of soft suede Bacco Bucci slip-ons. (Taylor's idea.)
He feels great — until the woman in the hot-pink top he tried to hit on didn't seem that interested.
Try to relax, Taylor says, as they cross First Avenue to the swanky Boka Kitchen + Bar.
Walk around like you own the place, she tells him. She demonstrates by sauntering across the room, making eye contact with bar hoppers, and chatting with the host while touching his right arm.
Burt does "the walk," only he looks more like a guy desperately rushing to the men's room.
He tries again at an Irish pub, scanning one side of the room to the other, as if looking for his friends. "Now he just looks lost," Taylor mutters.
Slow down, make eye contact with people, she tells him.
Taylor eyes a group of young blondes at a corner table at the pub. She leads Burt to a table next to theirs. But he thinks the girls are too young.
Easy, Alan, be cool
On to the bar at the Alexis Hotel, where Burt eyes a toned and tan blonde. Taylor circles her table and returns with a report: The blonde doesn't have a wedding ring, but she does have six friends with her.
Burt strolls up, clumsily introduces himself, hands her his business card and says he wants to have coffee with her sometime. The startled blonde doesn't give him an answer. Their exchange is brief. As he walks away, the friends giggle.
"That felt like trial by jury, like you are going through a gauntlet," he says.
Taylor reminds him to relax, to feel confident, to let the girls see his funny side. And keep the conversation going.
They return to Boka. An exhausted Burt is ready to plop down at a dining table, but his dating coach spots two blondes at the bar.
Burt takes a seat at the bar, with Taylor sitting one seat over to signal she's not his girlfriend. She leans over. "Excuse me, what are you drinking?"
The blonde says it's a modified peach and vodka. The girls chat about cute-looking drinks, then Burt jumps into the conversation. Taylor backs off, leaving Burt and the two women to talk about art galleries, happy hour and life on the Eastside.
Burt appears relaxed for the first time.
Later that night, at another bar, over steak-and-bacon kabob and a potato pancake, washed down with a Tanqueray and tonic, Burt has an epiphany.
That opener, about what the girls were drinking, "That was genius," he says. "They were talking about the drinks instead of talking about them, so it was less threatening."
He makes a mental note ... for next time.
Epilogue: A week later, the blonde at the Alexis Hotel e-mailed him and the two had coffee, but there were no sparks, Burt said. In recent weeks, he has met two other women but had little in common with both and didn't date them again. Burt said he feels more relaxed and confident since that first outing. And yes, at bars, he uses the opening line, "What are you drinking?"
The date debate
Friday night dinner and the conversation turns to this blog.
"It's not a dating blog because New Zealanders don't date," I explained to some friends.
"That's not true," cried my flatmate.
"Well, have you ever been on a date?" I asked.
"Yeah, when I was like 14," he replied sheepishly.
"We don't date. We just sort of hook up. And then if we want to see the person again, we start going out," I continued.
"You're right," chimed the table in chorus. (Okay that didn't happen but it's my blog so I'm ad-libbing.)
After chatting some more, we deduced there are three relationship states in New Zealand - Singles; Couples; Friends with benefits.
Rarely will you hear someone say they are "dating". Rarer still will you find someone dating multiple people in the way that Americans seem to.
(As an aside, is this actually true? Do Americans really date several people at once or is that just on television?)
I'm undecided on whether this is a good thing or not. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to go out for dinner with someone, chat and decide if you like them or not.
But then part of me thinks you already know if you like someone. If you're not sure, then you probably don't.
Most of the couples I know were friends to begin with, and have gradually got together through socialising in group situations.
I suppose there must have come a point when they decided to ditch the group and hang out alone, but that's not quite the same as dating. At least not as I perceive it.
I always think of dating as a meeting between two acquaintances that barely know each other. Someone that's caught your eye and you'd like to know better.
So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe New Zealanders do date, but just not as I define it.
What say you readers: Do we date? And if not, should we start?
"It's not a dating blog because New Zealanders don't date," I explained to some friends.
"That's not true," cried my flatmate.
"Well, have you ever been on a date?" I asked.
"Yeah, when I was like 14," he replied sheepishly.
"We don't date. We just sort of hook up. And then if we want to see the person again, we start going out," I continued.
"You're right," chimed the table in chorus. (Okay that didn't happen but it's my blog so I'm ad-libbing.)
After chatting some more, we deduced there are three relationship states in New Zealand - Singles; Couples; Friends with benefits.
Rarely will you hear someone say they are "dating". Rarer still will you find someone dating multiple people in the way that Americans seem to.
(As an aside, is this actually true? Do Americans really date several people at once or is that just on television?)
I'm undecided on whether this is a good thing or not. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to go out for dinner with someone, chat and decide if you like them or not.
But then part of me thinks you already know if you like someone. If you're not sure, then you probably don't.
Most of the couples I know were friends to begin with, and have gradually got together through socialising in group situations.
I suppose there must have come a point when they decided to ditch the group and hang out alone, but that's not quite the same as dating. At least not as I perceive it.
I always think of dating as a meeting between two acquaintances that barely know each other. Someone that's caught your eye and you'd like to know better.
So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe New Zealanders do date, but just not as I define it.
What say you readers: Do we date? And if not, should we start?
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Online Dating Awareness and Dangers, One Woman's Story
Online Dating Awareness and Dangers, One Woman's Story
LAS VEGAS CHANNEL 3 -- May 18 --
"The first mistake I made was I said you can come to my house and pick me up." The couple headed back to her house, where Sonja had big plans to give him a parting kiss in anticipation of their next date. Instead, he asked to come inside to use her restroom. She, in turn, went to the master bath to fix her lipstick. When she came out, he was sitting on her bed. Now she hopes other women will hear her story and think twice about their own safety, especially when dating online. "Will you online date again?"
"No, no I will not. I realized that when I tried the online dating thing - that if you're willing to pay 19.99 a month, you'll meet 19.99 guys." There are some companies out there now that, for a fee, will do a background check on a potential date for you. Safety Tips For Dating Online,
1. Start Slow,
2. Guard Your Anonymity,
3. Exercise Caution And Common Sense,
4. Do A Little Digging,
5. Request A Photo,
6. Chat On The Phone,
7. Meet When YOU Are Ready,
8. Watch For Red Flags,
9. Meet In A Safe Place,
10. Take Extra Caution Outside Your Area,
11. Get Yourself Out Of A Jam : Hmm, I wonder which companies provide background checks? Anyone know of any? Bad example, good advice. Silly girl. $19.95 is kinda cheap these days. eHarmony is raising the bar in that respect. I'd rather meet people who were more serious and committed (to the tune of $50 a month). Wouldn't you?
Low self-esteem. At the same time this person may appear cocky and boastful on occasion.
Trouble trusting others, particularly you. In spite of this, they may say that they know you would never be unfaithful.
Jealous and possessive. Initially, the abuser may say others were coming on to you. Eventually, thought, you will be accused of being attracted to other people, flirting, or being unfaithful.
Controlling. Sometimes this can be subtle. You may be changing your behavior without realizing why. For example, you may "decide" not to see your friends too often because you don't want your partner to get mad.
Usually comes from a family where there was violence, although they may deny this.
Passionate! This abusive relationship is intense and passionate. There is usually a Romeo and Juliet quality, which may be noticed by your friends. This intensity does NOT mean you are fated lovers. It means someone is holding to too tightly.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. The abuser can be loving and supportive one minute and cold and hostile, accusing or distant, the next.
Mood swings or explosive temper. You think everything is going fine, and suddenly your partner is furious.
Macho or super masculine. This is sometimes present in male abusers. This boyfriend will have strong opinions about how a man and woman should behave.
Rigid. You may find yourself saying, "Well yes, this happened, but there are reasons why it happened." The abusive partner will not accept reasons or explanations. Everything is black or white.
Isolating. These partners may want to isolate you from your friends or family. They may always want to be alone with you. Often they will start trouble between you and your best friend. They will be threatened by any relationships you have with members of the opposite sex and may attempt to destroy those friendships by criticizing your friends or pointing out ways in which they, your friends, have wronged you.
Emotionally and verbally abusive. Sometimes there is no physical abuse until a commitment is made, i.e., you go steady, have sex, get pregnant, or cut off your friends and family. It could also be as simple as your agreement not to date others. You don't have to have bruises to be in an abusive relationship.
Denial. This partner will attempt to minimize the violence or behavior by saying: "I barely touched you." "I was just messing around." "You can't take a joke."
Blamer. Abusive partners will blame others for their mistakes or problems. Again, it may be subtle. They will blame others for fights if they can saying any of the following: "You make me crazy." "You know what makes me mad and you do it anyway so it's your fault." "If you weren't so beautiful, I wouldn't be so worried about losing you." "Your friends are trying to break us up." "That person was coming on to you."
When you have a fight, they may try to blame outside stressors saying the following: "My parents are making me crazy!" "My teachers are making me crazy!" "I feel like I'm under so much pressure." "You don't understand me. Nobody does." These are pressures and feelings with which we all must cope. They are not an excuse to be violent or abusive.
Alcohol or drug user. This partner may abuse alcohol or drugs. If so, he or she has a built-in excuse. Remember that many people abuse alcohol and drugs and never become violent or abusive. If you are dating a substance abuser who is violent that person has two problems that need to be addressed, the substance abuse and the abuse.
Look for statements like the following: "I was totally wasted." "I don't even remember this. Did I really do that?" "I'll quit drinking." "I'll quit drinking tequila, shots, whiskey, beer, whatever." "I'll never do drugs again." "I'm such a jerk! Why do you stay with me?" They may also say things like: "Hey, you pushed me first."
"What do you expect when you talk back to me?"
"You were just as violent as me."
"You started it, flirting with that other person."
This can get confusing for you. Don't let it. When you are in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship you may begin to act in ways you normally would not. That doesn't make it your fault. You have the right to talk to other people.
You have the right to be angry in an argument and state your side without someone accusing you of "talking back."
LAS VEGAS CHANNEL 3 -- May 18 --
"The first mistake I made was I said you can come to my house and pick me up." The couple headed back to her house, where Sonja had big plans to give him a parting kiss in anticipation of their next date. Instead, he asked to come inside to use her restroom. She, in turn, went to the master bath to fix her lipstick. When she came out, he was sitting on her bed. Now she hopes other women will hear her story and think twice about their own safety, especially when dating online. "Will you online date again?"
"No, no I will not. I realized that when I tried the online dating thing - that if you're willing to pay 19.99 a month, you'll meet 19.99 guys." There are some companies out there now that, for a fee, will do a background check on a potential date for you. Safety Tips For Dating Online,
1. Start Slow,
2. Guard Your Anonymity,
3. Exercise Caution And Common Sense,
4. Do A Little Digging,
5. Request A Photo,
6. Chat On The Phone,
7. Meet When YOU Are Ready,
8. Watch For Red Flags,
9. Meet In A Safe Place,
10. Take Extra Caution Outside Your Area,
11. Get Yourself Out Of A Jam : Hmm, I wonder which companies provide background checks? Anyone know of any? Bad example, good advice. Silly girl. $19.95 is kinda cheap these days. eHarmony is raising the bar in that respect. I'd rather meet people who were more serious and committed (to the tune of $50 a month). Wouldn't you?
Low self-esteem. At the same time this person may appear cocky and boastful on occasion.
Trouble trusting others, particularly you. In spite of this, they may say that they know you would never be unfaithful.
Jealous and possessive. Initially, the abuser may say others were coming on to you. Eventually, thought, you will be accused of being attracted to other people, flirting, or being unfaithful.
Controlling. Sometimes this can be subtle. You may be changing your behavior without realizing why. For example, you may "decide" not to see your friends too often because you don't want your partner to get mad.
Usually comes from a family where there was violence, although they may deny this.
Passionate! This abusive relationship is intense and passionate. There is usually a Romeo and Juliet quality, which may be noticed by your friends. This intensity does NOT mean you are fated lovers. It means someone is holding to too tightly.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. The abuser can be loving and supportive one minute and cold and hostile, accusing or distant, the next.
Mood swings or explosive temper. You think everything is going fine, and suddenly your partner is furious.
Macho or super masculine. This is sometimes present in male abusers. This boyfriend will have strong opinions about how a man and woman should behave.
Rigid. You may find yourself saying, "Well yes, this happened, but there are reasons why it happened." The abusive partner will not accept reasons or explanations. Everything is black or white.
Isolating. These partners may want to isolate you from your friends or family. They may always want to be alone with you. Often they will start trouble between you and your best friend. They will be threatened by any relationships you have with members of the opposite sex and may attempt to destroy those friendships by criticizing your friends or pointing out ways in which they, your friends, have wronged you.
Emotionally and verbally abusive. Sometimes there is no physical abuse until a commitment is made, i.e., you go steady, have sex, get pregnant, or cut off your friends and family. It could also be as simple as your agreement not to date others. You don't have to have bruises to be in an abusive relationship.
Denial. This partner will attempt to minimize the violence or behavior by saying: "I barely touched you." "I was just messing around." "You can't take a joke."
Blamer. Abusive partners will blame others for their mistakes or problems. Again, it may be subtle. They will blame others for fights if they can saying any of the following: "You make me crazy." "You know what makes me mad and you do it anyway so it's your fault." "If you weren't so beautiful, I wouldn't be so worried about losing you." "Your friends are trying to break us up." "That person was coming on to you."
When you have a fight, they may try to blame outside stressors saying the following: "My parents are making me crazy!" "My teachers are making me crazy!" "I feel like I'm under so much pressure." "You don't understand me. Nobody does." These are pressures and feelings with which we all must cope. They are not an excuse to be violent or abusive.
Alcohol or drug user. This partner may abuse alcohol or drugs. If so, he or she has a built-in excuse. Remember that many people abuse alcohol and drugs and never become violent or abusive. If you are dating a substance abuser who is violent that person has two problems that need to be addressed, the substance abuse and the abuse.
Look for statements like the following: "I was totally wasted." "I don't even remember this. Did I really do that?" "I'll quit drinking." "I'll quit drinking tequila, shots, whiskey, beer, whatever." "I'll never do drugs again." "I'm such a jerk! Why do you stay with me?" They may also say things like: "Hey, you pushed me first."
"What do you expect when you talk back to me?"
"You were just as violent as me."
"You started it, flirting with that other person."
This can get confusing for you. Don't let it. When you are in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship you may begin to act in ways you normally would not. That doesn't make it your fault. You have the right to talk to other people.
You have the right to be angry in an argument and state your side without someone accusing you of "talking back."
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
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